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Monday, 31 August 2009

  • Dear...

    Dear _ _ _ _   _ _,
    I don't know what your problem with me is. Why the hell do you keep on saying these things to me? What the fuck did I ever do to you? It's so disgusting how you humiliate me in front of everyone like that. I hate the way you try to act cool in front of your little boys, but honestly, I find your male "dominance" distasteful,unrefined, and just plain stupid. 
                You always say "Nobody's laughing" when I try to laugh off the cruel and unkind words you say and as hard as I try to spin it off into something of a joke, you still continue and humiliate me in front of my peers. I wish you could wipe the nasty smirk off your acne-filled face and that you could shut your dry lips that sputter mumbles and inaudible lisps. 
                   I wish I had said something like this whenever you were tactless and downright gross. I wish I could march over to you and slap your pimply face and storm out of the room and ignoring the shocked faces of our peers. You are truly a disgrace to the human race. Sure, as you keep repeating from your dirty lips, I may look for attention from others, but who are you to judge?
             I hate the way you sit in your chair with your apathetic glances and slouching posture. Shut up. I just wish you could shut up. I want you to take back all those words you said to me and shove it up your ass. I thought maybe you really were joking. Even if you were, I still think it's distasteful. 
            I wish I could say all these things to your face because everytime I picture your face and hear your sharp words in my head, I could feel the temperature rising inside me. You lowered my self-esteem. You thought it was funny. Well, I didn't. I don't hate you. I just want you to know that those words you said to me hurt like knives. 
    One more thing: Fuck you. 
    Sincerely,
    Heather Hoang 

    Whew. I'm glad that I have that off my back. 

    I acutally think I can forgive you, _ _ _ _   _ _. 
    Just please don't say those things again. I want you to understand that those things you said to me hurt and perhaps it was on my part as well. Of course, I think I overreacted, but I just want to let you know that I never thought you were kidding around because I felt like I was stabbed everytime you said things like that. You can't kid around that stuff, _ _ _ _. I have always told myself to ignore words like that, but it's pretty damn hard not to feel something about those things you said. 
    Besides, high school's over. We all have to grow up. Both of us.
    Good luck with your life. I think you have a lot of potential. 


Tuesday, 19 May 2009

  • yes! everything is turning around.

    Yes! Prom was amazing!

    I danced with my old friends and I really hope we can patch things up over the summer.
    I had my first slow dance with my cute guy friend <3
    Everyone looked beautiful.

    Looks like my senior year is turning around! :D
    I am just so happy right now.

    A friend of mine said, "Sometimes good things fall apart in order for better things to fall together".

    i think it's true, in some cases.

    The evening was a total surprise, in a good way. I love unexpected things like that. When things go according to plan, it's just so boring and bland.

    :D

Sunday, 10 May 2009

Thursday, 07 May 2009

  • An alternate reality

    I always thought that wishing to go back in time was something a pessimist would do. Something I would never yearn nor even think about.
    But here I am, the usual optimist, pondering..."What if?"
    I tell myself that wishing for such thing is foolish and regret is something you should never feel; that I should always be content and happy with where I am no matter what.
    So I unwind the strings and I try and remember how I pictured myself today (the future of before).
    I saw myself going to my dream colleges.
    I saw myself with my regular group of friends.
    I saw myself...being happy with everything and being happy with the picture perfect alternate reality.

    But...
    when the beginning of the year finally came, I felt scared, isolated, disappointed, confused, and aloof. I had a "fall out" period in which I stopped talking to my usual group of friends. I have no idea why I felt so compelled to avoid them and distance myself. I wish I knew the reason. I wish I hadn't pushed everyone away from me because now I ended up unhappy, lonely, disappointed, and even more confused.
    When I asked them to forgive me and let me back in, I was rejected.
    I think I deserved it. I had pushed them away and became distance.
    But part of me tells me that I didn't deserve it.

    And then I thought I would go to a great college, the one that was woven by my hopes and dreams and laced with excitement.

    I thought I was going to finally find love, or something like it.

    And as beautiful as that alternate reality of friends, dreams, and all the cheesiest things in the world seems so plausible and real, it isn't.

    I lost my friends due to...I-don't-know-what.
    Everything I pictured faded away.
    I feel so lost and lonely.
    Everyone around me is so happy and excited while I sit here expecting something amazing to happen.


    How do I forget it and appreciate what I have?
    When will I finally stop beating myself up and be content?
    Should I even feel this way about something stupid as high school friends and losing my picture perfect alternate reality?

Thursday, 26 March 2009

  • Is there time to fall in love?

    So,as there is only less than 4 months left of school until graduation, I find it bizarre to find some people who are barely starting to date. I don't know if they have discussed the elephant in the room, but I am pretty sure it would be a difficult conversation to have when talking about college and working it long distance.
    My classmate had begun a sweet romance with her new boyfriend and nobody could be happier for them. But, the other day my friend and I were sitting in the line at the drive-thru, getting breakfast. Of course, the subject of "the couple" came up in the conversation. I asked her what she thought about two people getting together this late into the year, and she told me that she also thought it was risky.
    That got me thinking about my own crush.
    The one I have had since my sophomore year.
    The guy whom I have always wished I did something about each day.
    Despite my outgoingness, I never worked up the courage to speak to him.
    A word to him would make my heart beat 10 times faster.
    This was the guy I barely spoke to because I was so nervous and flustered whenever we were within the same 5 feet.
    I didn't know him at all, but there was just something about him that made my heart jump every time he walked into the room or whenever our eyes accidentally met.
    But, before I know it, this will all just be a memory.
    Sometimes, I wonder: Should I get to know him before its too late? Or should I simply let this go?
    I tell myself that if I had a boyfriend in high school, it would result in my own heartbreak, stupidity, naivety, and regret.
    But...what if I look back on this years from now and just...wish...that I would have said something or done something before it all went away.
    Of course, being in the same social network with him, bumping into him at gatherings would be inevitable.
    But deep inside, I would always, always, always wonder, "What if?"

    So, what would you do? Just give it a chance or just let it go? Forget it or give yourself closure?